Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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