Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
