i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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