So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
