I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this will be a night to untag.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
