Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
