Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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