I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
whose parrot is this?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick