my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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