Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
