Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
