Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
