Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
