Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
