the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
