Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
