3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
