Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
