Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
