me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
