So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
