I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
