saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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