if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
