Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
