I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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