I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
