He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
