The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize