guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
