so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
