2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i've created a new STD.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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