I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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