i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize