I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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