Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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