So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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