Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
