Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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