Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
