On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
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