I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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