I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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