I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
