Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Two words: blizzard sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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