I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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