The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
