if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
