It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
