I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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