your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
