So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
