if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
organizing the empties. That sober.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.