So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
