the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
