i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
