you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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