OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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