I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
